realizations

As we spoke and ate on the table, grilling time was up for me... one asked.. " e ikaw, nakikita mo ba ang sarili mo as a nurse habang buhay?"... i told them..."hindi." ..."e ano sa tingin mo ang magiging trabaho mo in the long run?"..." ewan ko."..."aaah.. nako.." (with the facial expression that may have said..tsk tsk tsk. tanda mo na hindi mo pa alam)...and i said, kind of defensively," pero hindi ako worried. di katulad ni ***, na parang din pa nya alam kung ano ang gusto nya talaga."... and she once again asked, "e ano nga yung nakikita mo?" .... ok so i was getting uncomfortable with the question coz i dont have an answer or not sure what i was supposed to answer. stupidly i said, "kusinera" with a nervous laugh... and the other one said,"bakit hindi ka nalang maging writer.. para kang anak ni bob ong magsulat...".

i don't understand why i got uneasy. they are my friends. i should be comfortable telling them anything. And then i realized, i was talking to people who have kick-ass designations, who earn mega bucks and who know exactly what they really really love in life.

I got uneasy... then bitter... then felt like crying... but of course i didn't look like it.

the next day, i was still thinking of what had happened... i felt bad that i have mentioned ****'s name, comparing her to me... i felt bad that i was not able to explain myself clearly.

it was nice talking to ert a bit about it online. at least i was able to share my feelings now. it was a breather. it's not that i composed some answer to defend myself... i just realized that the reason why i don't see myself as a nurse is because, stupid as it may sound, i still associate 'nurse' as a katulong lang of the doctors (which is super wrong talaga). And to speak the truth, i really can't still see what i'll be in the future... i'm still wishing/ hoping that this is my calling. i do love the medical field now. I'm not like yi who sees herself 20 years from now. Not like ert who (wanted to be and) is now a teacher. not like mygz who likes computers ever since she was born and who has a beautiful son and a husband. I'm just me... and 'me', for sure, will have a mark in this world someday.